My Johnny Angel 2

In the gay world everyone wants to be a star in everyone else’s life. There is no such thing as “co-stars”. They don’t give advice, they plan your moves. If you don’t listen to them- “You got what you deserved!” So much for the sympathetic warm shoulder. As I look back on my romance with Johnny I have to admit there were signs that it wasn’t going to work. His father died on my birthday, he hated to smile, he was in love with someone else, Victor. Victor, Victor, Victor.
Flashback, Victor grew up on the street next to mine. He was a fat little fag, as opposed to me being a skinny one. He was the only one that I could make fun of because his mouth was always to full of candy to make fun back at me. When I started hanging at the bar I kept hearing about this Victor who was a GOD. Who was he? I finally met him- fat Victor, who was now muscle man Victor. Talk about revenge biting you in the ass. On top of that John was madly in love with Victor and Victor had moved on. It was beneath Victor to hang at Feathers he only hung in NYC, where the “cool” model type gays hung out. In its day Feathers housed the elite, but time was taking its toll on the club and so was AIDS. If you were going to die from love, it was going to be in the arms of someone hot and rich, not a MACY’S salesperson who can only offer you a 20% off discount .
Norman taught me that.
Norman was my first “old” man gay. He was ten years older than me and had all the wisdom a novice wanna-be needed. Norman was dating this old man Walter. It is quite a funny story. Norman worked in a senior home and Walter fell in love with Norman. Norman took him out of the home. “I’d rather see him paid my mortgage that the home. Anyway Walter was in his 70’s and loved bingo, so Norman would drop Walter off at Bingo and then come to the club and party. He would leave the bar and pick Walter up and leave him in the car while he came back in and continued to party. I couldn’t believe he left Walter in the car! “What’s wrong? I left the window open a crack.” Norman would answer honestly. One day Walters kids went to see him at the home and found out Norman took him out. Norman didn’t even know he had kids! Walter started to say that Norman kidnapped him and made him to sex things! The kids didn’t press charges, but Norman lost his job. Norman did teach me a very important lesson, always ask for jewelry for your birthday. Although Walter was gone he had bought Norman many pieces of jewelry and Norman was able to sell it for a good profit.
I was learning all too well the shady side of the life style and all I wanted was innocent side of life. I wanted to be gay in a straight world. I wanted one person to love. To understand the place I was coming from you have to understand the times. Everyone in my straight world was finding romance. I used to sit up with my sister and we would chat into the late hours watching MGM musicals, or Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers movies. Then one night I’m watching them alone because she has a boyfriend. I don’t have one and I can’t talk about not having one because it has to be a secret. I see Judy Garland and Gene Kelly and I close my eyes and want that kind if love. I want the sad song love story with a happy ending. When I made that wish God was DEFINITELY listening. I got my sad love story, but not so fast.
After my encounter with my hope, my angel John had to have emergency surgery. I drank myself silly when I found out that he died on the operating table. “He died without knowing that I existed. That I loved him!” It wasn’t until last call that Sammy the bartender told me that he came back. I was so glad Sammy gave me a ride home that night because all my liquor ended up on his car seats. I guess I wasn’t very faithful back then because it was a while before I saw him again. When I did see him again the torch song was lit. As I look back I giggle at what an idiot I was with my first love. See, John was the first guy I liked that was gay and I could actually stand a chance of loving me back. My only problem with John was that every time he said hello to me I would get so nervous that I would have to run off to the bathroom and throw up. Not a great way to start a relationship, but I had time. AIDS was out and I was determined that when John and I made love he would not have to worry about getting a blood test. I was going to stay celibate for him, my Johnny Angel-the man who made me throw up. In hindsight he was an angel, he kept me safe at a time when most were running around getting blood test.
Till tomorrow Be kind