TONY MONA

OMG! Halloween at Feathers!! It was like the coming of the pope. We would clean the bar and come up with the most outrageous costumes. I am not sure if it was the first Halloween or the second, But, I was determined to be the “sexy” bride of Frankenstein. Copying Marlena from “Days Of Our Lives” I had wanted to have silver sequin lightning bolts on both my hair and breast and a white skin tight dress. I could not find it in any store.
One night during Alton and my “cry fest” after a night of drinking a voice said, “I can help you find a dress for free.” I turned to see a 7 foot Brooke Shields, who turned out to be Tony Mona. “How?” I asked, still unsure of what I was looking at. He went on to explain that he had a secret way of getting dresses to wear.
Mind you this was my first introduction to Tony. He was in love with this guy named Frank and would drive around the parking lot smoking cigarettes and pot crying that Frank didn’t love him. Tony was 17 years old and couldn’t get into the bar. Frank would run into the bar to get away from Tony. Every time the front door opened you would hear “Frank Frank I love you” slam- the door would shut…. “Frank Frank I love you” slam- the door would shut…“Frank Frank I love you” slam- the door would shut…Little Sal, the Italian bouncer, got a kick out of how sad Tony was and would open the door just to hear it.
Tony didn’t have a car, but had a friend named Barbara who drove a Subaru and lived to make Tony happy. Tony, on the other hand, was determined not to be happy. All he did was moan about how horrible his life was- at 17. That is how he got his neck-name Tony Moaner….Tony Mona.
So Alton and I asked Tony about this free dress thing. Tony said he would take us there. We got into Alton’s car and drove up to Upper Saddle River and into a supermarket parking lot. Tony tells Alton to drive towards the Goodwill Dumpster and shine his lights and Beep! Alton does what he says and these two cars take off and these shadows jump out of the dumpsters and take off. “What the F…?” I thought- “Where the hell are you taking us? “I asked Tony… “Dumpster Diving…Had to get rid of the competition.” “What?” Alton giggled as he waited for a reply.
“Dumpster Diving. You dive into the Goodwill Dumpsters and search for dresses and whatever you are looking for.” Alton parked the car and Tony continued to explain as we got out of the car. “Really what poor person is going to wear a sequin butterfly mid drift?” “He has a point.” Alton tried to rationalize. “He wants us to dive into goodwill dumpsters and go clothes shopping.”
Tony, remember he is dressed in drag, hopped up onto the Goodwill bin and as he faded into the dark dumpster we heard- “Last one in gets the skid mark underwear.” “At what point did my life take this turn?” I said to Alton as we watched in amazement.
All we heard was “Ouuu Mama…Beautiful!”, “Too tight”, “Fab-boo”. “I’m going to throw some stuff out at you…put them in the car. I’ll see if anything is in your size.” Oh My God! He was right these hundred and thousand dollar dresses were being thrown at us. Prom dresses, mother of the bride dresses, evening wear, day wear. I was amazed.
Tony got himself out of the dumpster and started to size things up. He gave Alton a great prom dress that was just up Alton’s alley. ”Here I think this will fit you.” He said as he handed a white dress to me. It was my Sexy Bride of Frankenstein dress! Tony said he would teach me how to make sequin thunderbolts.
As we drove back to the bar, Tony went on to explain how he only jumps into dumpsters in good neighborhoods and not to waste your time in poor neighborhoods. “Not worth getting in trouble- Besides, some people live in them I jumped into one and a homeless man was in there! Hey, it’s warm and out of the cold.” He had a point.
On the way home Alton and I could not stop laughing. Feathers was giving us an education and life experiences that no one could prepare us for… I just kept picturing Tony Mona dressed as a 7 foot Brooke Shields jumping into a Dumpster and landing on a homeless person. Is it any surprise that Tony Mona would become my "gay Daughter"
Till Tomorrow, be kind